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Richie LifeTime Member
Age: 24 Zodiac: Joined: 10 Oct 2002 Posts: 9445 Location: Away
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Posted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 10:35 Post subject: Hints and Tips for life |
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Hints & Tips To Get You Through Life!!
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone..
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the flipping thing in the first place..
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, before jumping in.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,so it may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. |
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Posted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 10:35 Post subject: Google Ads keep the POCUK free to join! |
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DawnH LifeTime Member
Age: 56 Zodiac: Joined: 08 Sep 2008 Posts: 6828 Location: newport, gwent
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 4:57 Post subject: |
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Onan The Barbarian LifeTime Member
Age: 70 Zodiac: Joined: 13 Jun 2005 Posts: 3320 Location: Exeter, Devon
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 5:39 Post subject: |
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Have you been reading Viz, Richie? |
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Captain England LifeTime Member
Age: 69 Zodiac: Joined: 06 Apr 2006 Posts: 1593 Location: South Lincs
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 10:31 Post subject: |
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Walt *******
Age: 54 Zodiac: Joined: 01 May 2010 Posts: 2647 Location: Australia
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 11:19 Post subject: |
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and this one really makes sense: Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. |
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Padjy *****
Age: 36 Zodiac: Joined: 14 Jan 2006 Posts: 550 Location: Aberdeen
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 12:06 Post subject: |
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Walt wrote: |
and this one really makes sense: Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. |
ive just resyncronised my poo cycle to work times again! why should i have to poo in my own time? ive got things to do........at work i waste more time trying to find something to do! |
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kylecollie LifeTime Member
Age: 60 Zodiac: Joined: 17 Jul 2007 Posts: 831 Location: ae
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 18:34 Post subject: |
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Walt wrote: |
and this one really makes sense: Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. |
eeeeh still using the old newspaper...who remembers ink stained underwear |
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REVOGEL LifeTime Member
Age: 84 Zodiac: Joined: 23 Dec 2006 Posts: 4276 Location: Cent. Amelias. Reg 10. Guyana South America
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 22:06 Post subject: |
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The most important one is DONT get involved with women they ALL eventually make your life a mysery.
If anything gets my wife out of my life I will stick to my old rule. Find em F""k em and forget em. |
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mked Newbie
Age: 81 Zodiac: Joined: 11 Mar 2010 Posts: 3 Location: Newcastle on Tyne
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Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 2:35 Post subject: Re Rivogel |
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How sad. I've been so lucky - my wife has been my best friend for 47 years. Loads of problems over the years but still couldn't face life without her. |
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ChrisTheCarNut ***
Joined: 22 May 2008 Posts: 196 Location: East Yorkshire
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Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 11:25 Post subject: |
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Was crying laughing at some of those.
Definitely Viz or Viz-inspired.
I like the alarm clock/mouse one |
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kalmac LifeTime Member
Age: 55 Zodiac: Joined: 26 Feb 2009 Posts: 969 Location: Norfolk depest darkest
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Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:52 Post subject: |
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tthanks for that richie... cheared me up
coppied it though |
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Whatithas *
Age: 24 Zodiac: Joined: 05 Jul 2020 Posts: 18 Location: Reno
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Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2022 15:55 Post subject: |
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Do you often feel drained by the middle of the day? Have you ever become exhausted performing routine tasks like grocery shopping or housework? Adults are advised to engage in at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity each week by the Department of Health and Human Services. Contrary to popular belief, this will increase your energy balance rather than decrease it.
Check the site |
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